It's a sick weekend to be a soccer fan.

Tonight we get D.C. v. New England -- an old-school, east coast MLS rivalry at rickety RFK Stadium. Ben Olsen-Shalrie Joseph cage match slated for the intermission. (6 p.m. CST, ESPN2)

Saturday there's an F.A. Cup semifinal dust-up between Arsenal and Chelsea, with rickety Peter Cech between the pipes (11 a.m. Setanta). That's followed by a Juve-Inter showdown that will determine if there's going to be any drama at the top of the table in Italy this year (yeah, not likely). Even with diving Italian wankers splayed all over the pitch this will be worth watching. (1:30 p.m. FSC). Then there's our beloved Minnesota Thunder visiting Austin Aztex for their USL-1 debut (7:30 p.m., USL Live).

Sunday might make my head explode. There's PSV v. Ajax in the a.m. hours if you can find ESPN Deportes (9:30 a.m.). Then Bunky County plays its first match of the season against Free Agents (2 p.m. at Macalester College; no TV; supporters please wear mauve). Which is all just a warm-up for Boca Juniors v. River Plate (2 p.m. Fox Sports Espanol) and Chivas v. America (4:55 p.m. telemundo), two of the greatest rivalries in the world. And that pathetic man who bitch-slapped Frankie Hejduk after dos a cero is now coaching the Goats.

That's eight intriguing matches from eight different leagues showing on seven different channels over the next three days. And there's about four dozen other matches on TV too.