I'm confused. Guillermo Barros Schelloto is the reigning league MVP and carried Columbus to MLS Cup last year. This season he scored twice as many goals as any other player on the Crew.

So where does Robert Warzycha decide to play him on Saturday night in the opening round of the playoffs at Real Salt Lake? Left waterboy. Or was it central massage therapist? Or perhaps assistant snacks commissioner? Whatever duty Schelloto was charged with, it was not one that allowed him to set foot on the field.

Perhaps it will come out that Schelloto was suffering from severe gastrointestinal distress. Or maybe he doesn't like Mormons. Or perhaps he was still shook up over the decision by Abdullah Abdullah to drop out of the Afghan runoff election.

All of those would be more rational explanations than the one actually provided by Warzycha.

"We didn't score any goals in the last five games when (Schelotto and striker Alejandro Moreno) were on the field," Warzycha told reporters after the match. "I thought today we'd go with a different combination."

Okay, sure, but that "different combination" would be Senior Ass Clown Stephen Lenhart and Emilio Renteria. This dynamic duo has combined for three goals this season. The latter has never scored in MLS. That's like scratching Kobayashi in the Nathan's Coney Island Hotdog Eating contest for some bloke that you once saw scarf down an entire large Meatlover's pizza one night on a bet after bar closing. He's pretty good, dude, seriously.

Not surprisingly Columbus stunk up the field. They played ugly, mean soccer and were nearly rewarded for their cynicism. But luckily Robbie Findley found the net in the dying minutes.

Columbus can redeem themselves at home on Thursday. But hopefully Warzycha will suffer for his sins. I'll be cheering for the Mormons.